Ever dream that you're naked in public?

I knew that moving to Montreal would bring about equal shares of inspiration and challenge. Being in a new environment can be COMPLETELY disarming. Strange though, because at the same time it can also be comforting. Let me explain. While everything around me is for the most part new, I almost feel naked in a sense. Nothin feels comfortable...that's funny, because in reality actually, being naked is physically more comfortable than wearing clothes. However, mentally we've (at least I've) been conditioned to think that wearing something is more comfortable in a social setting I suppose. Society has taught me that wearing clothes...and makeup, and hairstyles, (and even nail polish!) is the perfect way to cover up your flaws. Ever had one of those dreams where you are walking around naked in a public place...but oddly, no one seems to really care? Then all of a sudden, you realize that your naked and you're completely humiliated...even if no one is even looking at you?! At some point, you wake up and realize it's all a dream. What a relief! haha!! Anyways, my point is that when you are taken out of your comfort zone, it's a LITTLE bit like being naked. Everything feels slightly awkward and it takes some time to adjust and feel "normal" again.

At the same time, being in a new place gives one a chance to completely reinvent oneself. It's like you take off your old clothes, feel naked for awhile, and then put something new on! Fundamentally, you're still the same person, but meanwhile some things have changed a bit. Funny though, because I find that recently I'm really trying to hold on to what I know of myself.
This process turns into some crazy philosophy lesson somewhere in the back of my mind though. I mean, who are we really? Are we what our friends tell us we are? Are we what we do? Are you "what you eat"? Does what you identify with make you who you are? It's so easy for me to tell someone, "Yeah, well I'm a dancer, but when I stop dancing, I really want to do something with alternative medicine." I like yoga, but I don't necessarily consider myself a yogi, even though my ego would just LOVE that. I love to cook, but I'm no Julia Child. I love music, but I don't play an instrument and I don't think I could really write for Rolling Stone.

Since I've been here, I've started to connect with new people which can be quite an interesting adventure. After a little time, people naturally start making judgements about you. I don't mean this in a negative way....it's part of human nature whether we like it or not. I know it's going to happen, just like I know I may or may not like what people think of me. I've heard some things that I (well, my ego really) like...

"You kind of remind me of an Avatar." :D
"I figured you would want to go to yoga instead."
"But you seem so much more relaxed than most ballet dancers!"
"She's really funny!"
"You always seem happy."

I've also heard some things I don't like....

"You're like a BALLET ballet dancer."
"You know this...Balanchine."
"You and your YouTube videos. You're like the queen of funny videos."
"You're really into magazines aren't you?"

But the only reason I'd really be happy or unhappy with these comments is if I feel that I identify with them. Well, of course I do! But the other part of me is telling that I'm not just that. I'm not just my ego. Meditation teaches us how to learn to understand ourselves...but NOT ourselves as the day to day person that goes to work, eats, meets with friends on the weekends. It teaches us to learn how to connect our higher selves...that part of us that isn't related to the ego. It's crazy how much we feed our ego without even knowing it. I feel myself doing it just in writing this blog. I LOVE to sound eloquent and philosophical so that someone will stroke my ego and say, "You write so well!" or "That sounds very profound." Oh God, it's nauseating just thinking that I'm doing that! But seriously, we ALL do things like that on a daily basis! I admire those that are able to just put everything out there on the line and not fear being judged by others...or by themselves. Being honest and saying exactly how they feel in that moment. Like a child..."That's my crayon! You can't have it.... because..... I want it now!" Yeah, that's not very polite, but you've got to appreciate the honesty there:)

I find that as I get to know a new group of people here in my life, I'm almost finding freedom in trying to just be myself as who I am on that day. Yeah, maybe I'll get some judgement here and there. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is that I'm true to who I am fundamentally, not what others perceive me as. And let me be clear...trying does not at all imply success! Of course, this is easier said than done, and I fail on a daily basis! But that's ok, because I know I'll never actually conquer this struggle. I believe one would be considered "enlightened" if they had.

In this freedom and meeting new people, I feel myself moving forward from my previous life. I know some will always stick with me, and memories will always stick with me. But of course, things change, people change. I've realized that things are different where I came from. As much as change is SOO tough for me, I'm learning that I need to let it go and move forward. Life is different back in Miami and while I think it will always be home for me, it won't be the home I knew when I lived and worked there. Circumstances change people, including myself, and I cannot expect otherwise. Needless to say, I think I've reached a turning point here within the past few weeks. As I make new friends.....

Wait, I'm remembering a silly song I learned in school when I was a little tot, but it's SOOO appropriate.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold."

:D I will always have those close friends that will never be forgotten. But I'll also have those friends "of the season". I'm realizing those as I move on to a new life here in Montreal. It's not a bad thing...a little nostlagic, but in a very good way. I will always have GREAT memories in Miami, and for some friends those might have to suffice. For others, I know I'll keep making new memories with them!

Although this is a little bittersweet for me, I also am beginning this new life here and finally starting to appreciate where I am NOW instead of longing for a past that will not return.
One more thing I'd like touch on before I call it a night. Since making this decision to move forward to really sink my teeth into new frienships and my life here, I have also reached a new level of difficulty with my relationship. (I know there will be multiple levels in this situation!) Pete and I have obviously decided to continue our relationship over long-distance. I knew this would be challenging, but I believed (and still believe) in us. At this moment, I find it very hard to move forward while Pete is still part of my previous life in Miami. He's still there, working for my previous employer, and friends with most (if not all) of my friends there. This doesn't sound like a big deal, and at first glance actually sounds very comforting because I still have my connection to those I love there, through him. But no. While I'm moving on here and meeting new people (who, let's face it, still somewhat shape who we are- we are influenced by those around us whether we like it or not)....while I'm here, he's still there. He's not here moving forward with me (physically here at least). I'm now in the position where I'm trying to find the happy medium of developing a life here, while also continuing to develop my relationship with my lovey. Both take an incredible amount of investment. This is a real challenge, and of course I'm learning everyday.

That's all.

Bjork's got it right.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rlkGaCkFrE


After re-reading this blog, I would like to clarify something. I believe that Pete and I ARE moving forward together in our relationship. What I am trying to say is that, while I'm here developing a new life, I wish he could be here with me to experience that, like we did together in Miami. While we still may be moving forward, we're moving forward in a new and different way than we have previously. In no way did I mean that I've put Pete in a box of my past. Our relationship is not limited to time, in my mind. That being said, I am beside myself this week getting ready for his week-long visit, beginning Saturday night! :D

Robert and Stephen

Loss of inspiration has kept me from writing this blog...well, not really. I suppose it's not loss of inspiration, but loss of self-confidence maybe? The past few weeks, I've had some ups, downs, and complete lulls, for lack of a better word. What does one write about? Many days I've walked down the street on a beautiful afternoon, heard the pitter patter of the rain on my window, seen a laughing child or a couple in love that has touched my heart, felt and heard the wind in the trees on my street, and even seen a gorgeous rainbow (just one, not two...mark). I've also visiting with old friends, visited with new friends, cuddled with old pets, acquired (AND cuddled for that matter!) with a new one, made familiar recipes, tried new ones. And of course I've laughed a lot, cried a lot, strutted down the street and embarrassed myself all in the same day sometimes. There have been a myriad of things to write about really, but what do I say? I need to be eloquent, but there are days where I JUST DON'T feel like being eloquent! I just want to vent damn it! A public blog does not seem the place to do so, however I did make a promise that I would be completely honest in my writing. AHHH!

Yes, this is what happens to me often. As a result of my conflicting thoughts, the time somehow comes and goes, and NOTHING is accomplished. I keep saying, "Oh I'll do that tomorrow." Tomorrow becomes yesterday and I'm still left with no blog.

Today, I cannot ignore what my heart is telling me. A series of events has amounted to this moment and I am amazed at how things really happen in life in their perfect time.

First, I somehow managed to find myself wandering into an mountain/outdoor activities store today. In the search for a good winter coat, I figured it would be a good place to start. However, I ended up in the hiking/climbing section of the store. My best friend Stephen has a new-found passion for rock climbing. He constantly has new stories to tell me of his recent accomplishments. So of course, all I could do was think of him the entire time I was in the store.

Being a typical dancer, I've always been slightly hesitant to go rock climbing because I don't want to be terrible. I want to skip forward to the level of "skilled" rock climber. Whatever the hell that means is of course something I made up in my head and Stephen would probably be the first person to remind me of that. However, while wandering around the store today I found myself conceiving a budding desire to start rock climbing! I don't know...maybe being in the north is starting to have an effect on me! I have admired Stephen's ability to nurture his love for this new passion just as much as he has for dance. Being a dancer, it seems sometimes difficult to develop an non-fleeting interest in something. I'm not really sure why, but I suppose it's because for so many years of our lives we were focused on one thing and that was getting a job in a dance company, where we have the privilege of performing and getting paid to do so. A dancer almost lives and breathes it! I've always been one to have many different interests besides dance, but usually they end up being hobbies or things that I say I'll get to one day. (Although, so far my natural health kick has stuck for quite some time, so I'm keeping the dream alive!) Anyways, I've seen a tremendous growth in Stephen since he's begun rock climbing. He's grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and I really feel like it has helped him develop a true sense of who he is, BESIDES being a dancer...and he is confident in that. I admire his ambitious spirit. Needless to say, just being in that store today reminded me of who he is and a twinge of nostalgia crept up.

Later, I got home and opened up my laptop. My friend, Mark, posted an incredible video on Facebook. It was about not giving up on your dreams. I decided that I wanted to send the video to some family members (Dad!) and in the meantime, found myself reading a blog by a New York-born actor. He had written a blog awhile back about Indigo children and how he believed that his two children were ones themselves. I have read a few things about Indigo children myself and have been fascinated by them. For more information about Indigos, here's the link.

http://www.mailonrivera.net/mailonrivera/blog.html

From this point, I decided to actually read a blog by Mark. He's been updating his blog after quite awhile, and I've neglected to read it for too long. I'm a HUGE fan of his writing and realized that THE TIME IS NOW! So I went to the blog and his most recent post of course caught my attention. Allow me...

http://www.yogiboi.com/2010/09/we-love-you-robert.html

Two years ago from tomorrow Stephen's younger brother took his life and changed his family's lives forever. Mark reminisces about that night and the course of events that took place before and after Stephen got the call. It's truly amazing how one phone call can completely change your life from one moment to the next. They were having a typical night, as was I, and within minutes, we were actually pondering the reality of death, and of course the fact that Robert chose death.

Robert has always fascinated me. I remember Stephen telling me stories about his brother and how artistic he was. He seemed to have a mind of his own and didn't like following rules or being told how to live life. He had little art projects he was constantly working on, maybe to escape reality. He was a passionate person...I could tell even though I didn't know him very well. Stephen's family is extremely warm and loving, and I remember Stephen and his mom telling me that Robert wasn't very....is it compassionate? hmmm...words seem to fail me right now. That seems like the wrong choice, especially because I stated that I felt he was a passionate person. However, passion and compassion are two different words. I feel that he definitely had passion. When he spoke, he spoke with conviction...with assurance...with almost anger that no one understood what he was saying. But that "anger" made it appear that he didn't maybe have a lot of compassion for some people. He seemed rather frustrated with the general population, instead. After he passed, Stephen came home with some of his drawings and videos. His work seemed to scream that he was seeing something beyond many people's comprehension.

It was always apparent to me that Robert had a vision and it was without a doubt profound. Call me crazy, but that boy had a gift. I think that Stephen (and Mark) would probably agree. This brings me to the course of events that happened today. I have believed for awhile that Robert was an Indigo child. When you read the characteristics of an Indigo, Robert seems to be all over it. Maybe he realized something that could not be communicated in this life. Maybe he tried to communicate it and no one around could understand. As a teenager....actually, as a human being, that can be a very lonely place. Maybe that's presumptuous for me to say, but there's always been something inside of me telling that Robert had something to teach us. If we haven't learned it yet, I hope we do at some point. Maybe it's the awareness of Indigo children and the misconception society can have about them. Maybe not.

It was no accident that I read that blog today. Well both actually, and one after the other. It was a reminder of the life that Robert had here on Earth. I do believe that he will continue to teach and perhaps try to communicate with some of us through his later artwork, or maybe through something beyond our knowledge and understanding. Either way, the Satterfield family is of course not the same. But through hard times, I have seen how the family has pulled through, with each other and with their individual passions. I cannot even comprehend a loss like that, but I know that even though it probably won't ever get easier to cope with, life still does go on. And I have seen Stephen, in particular, move forward with amazing grace. I am blessed to have had the privilege of witnessing his growth the past few years. He is an amazing human being, just like his brother. Stephen was in my thoughts all day today...again, no accident. Robert, Stephen and the rest of the Satterfield family will be in my thoughts tomorrow as well. We should celebrate the life and spirit that continues TO BE, even without the physical body. Cheers to Robert.

Putting the Pieces Together

Wait a second, I just figured out some information that definitely made my day. Warning, this is probably not going to sound that exciting to anyone else, but I felt like sharing regardless. So in my previous studies, I'd learned that athletes need to make sure they get more Vitamin B, particularly B12, than most people. I just committed this to memory and never asked questions...ok, make sure I get my B12.

Today, I happened to be learning about the cardiovascular system, in particular the red blood cells. Their job is to transport oxygen to the lungs and also to the rest of the cells in our body so that we can function. Because athletes use more oxygen once exercise becomes quite strenuous, the red blood cells have to work much harder. Studies have shown that athletes actually contain twice as many red blood corpuscles as people living sedentary lives! WOW!!

From here, in order for the bone marrow to manufacture more red blood cells, the body needs iron, haemoglobin, Vitamin B12, Folic Acid, and proteins. Now we all know that relatively speaking, athletes tend to require more protein and iron in their diets for "energy". That energy is produced by the oxygen transported by the red blood cells themselves! With low levels of these nutrients, the body cannot manufacture the proper amount of red blood cells to support the activity of a athlete under physical stress. Unbelievable. I love it when things come together and make perfect sense to me! Now I completely understand the vital role of the B vitamins, iron, and of course protein for a dancer such as myself. This is not something to be messed around with. When I'm tired with low stamina, I know exactly what needs to be done.

Yeah for education! haha...I'm a nerd. On that note, I would like to include a video that a friend sent me...it's about 40 day Sadhanas and how they are related to the renewal of our red blood cells. I find it very interesting. Something to think about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxcimeKrfpU

P.S. I would like to clarify a previous statement I made above. (thanks, Dad) Red blood cells do not actually work harder to pump oxygen throughout the body. The body simply requires more of them to accomplish this task. :)

Learning "Nothing"

This week marks the start of Leonce et Lena, the ballet that will open our season in October. It's a new ballet for us, so the choreographer is here with some help to set the piece. The story is new to me, but it's basically a German comedy. It takes place in two different towns in which the people are supposedly rather bored with life. The music that the choreographer (Christian Spuck) decided to use is all quite popular classical music including a lot of waltzes and polkas, adding a very upbeat element to the production. So it's very interesting because the choreography is supposed to represent boredom, but in order to keep the audience intrigued, he added the surprise of extremely happy music to dance to. Even though it's only been a few days, I can tell that we are going to have a lot of fun in the performances. He has opened the door for some creativity on our part, here and there. So it's easy to see that once we get comfortable with the choreography and acting, we'll be able to do a lot with it.

Me... I'm just getting comfortable with the company still! :) Slowly, but surely things will fall into place. Getting up in the morning and going to work is like opening up another door for information to enter...and that's fine with me.

Coming home is a bit of a different story. I'm not going to lie here. It's difficult to come home to an empty house and figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Of course, I always have tons of projects to accomplish and somehow, they always end up getting put off. Yes, I'm that person that has a lot of ambitions, but they tend to be forgotten somewhere down the road. So today I said, "Get out and do something productive!!!" So I did! I set out with my directions, my bus map, and my iPod and I was ready to go! (this is, of course, after work.) I had planned to take a trip to Pier 1 Imports...always nice to find a well-known furnishings store that's not too expensive. Needless to say, after waiting for quite awhile, I realized that the bus that I originally wanted to take was not in service. Nice. I'm smart.

So I figured I'd just get back on the metro, head back down towards home, and stop at Home Depot on the way. I have a few pieces of wooden furniture that are in dire need of staining and refinishing. But after waiting for ten minutes at the bus stop, I realized it was getting late and I didn't feel like starting another trek. I also knew that as soon as I got home, I would start on that project, hence pushing dinner back to probably 10, bedtime to 1:30/2am, and I am not a good dancer/learner after 5 hours of sleep. Some people can do it, and I believe I used to be one of them, but girl's gettin' old!

Why the heck am I sharing this anyways? I suppose I'm just trying to fill the day with some sort of purpose. I like going to bed at night knowing that I've accomplished something. But I think I need to learn that accomplishing nothing IS accomplishing something! It's ok to do nothing...I think. It must be............

I went to see Eat, Pray, Love this weekend and although I (of course) didn't like it as much as the book, I appreciate the reminder of the gifts and lessons I received from the book itself. There's a part when she's in Italy that represents this lesson I think I'm supposed to understand right now. She's talking to her Italian friend, and he says that Italians know and appreciate the ability to do nothing. It's almost as if doing nothing is part of their culture! Well, then she goes to India to learn the ancient practice of meditation...and essentially that's kind of doing nothing as well! Notice thought through an introspective approach. Maybe that's what I need to do while I'm here.

I just started reading this book called Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. Of course there's accounts of his meditations and it's quite inspiring to read about the gifts he receives when he lifts his thoughts up to his higher self, or God, I suppose in other words. Connecting on a more spiritual sense. Letting go of self, of ego. I would truly love to experience this, but I also know it is hard work. It's not easy to acknowledge your thoughts without judging them. But I think that's the first step. You have to acknowledge your thoughts to realize that you are NOT your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You simply ARE.

Well, I honestly don't even know if I can go on from this point. I must have gotten to the point I was meant to get to when I sat down to right this. I apologize for the randomness of it. I'm sure it may even be slightly boring to read, but oh well! Those are my thoughts for the day!

Nothin' like a new habitat to put you in your place!

I am loooonng overdue for a post here, but I made it to Montreal! It's finally sinking in that I'm here. I think after being in one place for so long, it's hard for me to comprehend that I'm not visiting this place, but I'm making it my home. I was very lucky to have Pete and Kim here with me from the beginning. They really helped make the move less drastic, at first.

I don't think you can ever really understands how stressful a move can be until you actually experience it. I've moved a few times now, but each time I forget how crazy it is! Each time I've moved, something new is added to the load of stress. The first time, it was to New York. While moving away from my family as I knew it for the first time was difficult, I was young and moving into a dorm situation which was a simple and shelterd transition. Then, it was down to Miami. This time was different with the added stress of living in my own place and actually having to cook for myself everyday...which may have seemed somewhat daunting at the time, but I EASILY adapted and really started to grow my passion for cooking! I also lived with roommates for a couple of years and in furnished apartments, so again the transition was gradual. Finally, I moved into my own place and had to furnish it myself! I was adding more to this growing collection of "stuff" I'd already attained. It's amazing how much we collect over the years! Anyways, this apartment that I lived in alone truly TRULY gave me the chance to explore my identity. I lived here for...was it four years? I completely lost track, but it was an incredible four years. That was the first time I was able to experience life living alone. I explored my creativity with decorating, painting, cooking (because who wants to cook something for the first time, hand it out to friends, have it taste like crap, and....then what? It's like the blue soup in Bridget Jones' Diary!) Anyways, I think I really found myself during those years, and for this reason that apartment holds a special significance in my heart.

Then, it was time to get practical! With the downturn of the economy, I needed to save money and cut corners in any way possible. Luckily, my dearest friend Kyra (previous posts will describe her fabulousness) needed a roommate. Well, I don't need to dive into that story as I already have in another post. Needless to say, that presented yet another opportunity to grow and learn to downsize:) That was definitely a cleansing year.

So after moving numerous times, it was time to move to a different country! Thankfully, Canada isn't in a land far far away. However, moving with furniture and quite the collection of life posed a new threat for me. After exploring EVERY option, I finally decided to have a moving company move my clothes, furniture, and probably 15 boxes of kitchen stuff (did I mention that I love to cook? ha...) With MUCH financial help from my grandmother and family, I managed to get everything up here with just one broken glass top. And here I am sitting on my own bed writing this out, with piles of I don't even know what to organize and settle in! Yes, I've been here for almost a month now and I'm still moving in. But not really knowing that many people and being somewhat of an introvert (which I realize is a new lesson for me to learn right now:)) I have quite a lot of time on the weekends to settle in the way I'd like to.

So I began this new job here and.....................

I don't even know how to begin this. Again, I'm still in shock that I'm dancing in a different company. I had slight anxiety that I'd actually show up for my first day of work and they'd say, "Who are you? And WHY are you here?" Um.....you DID hire me, correct? (Awkward silence.)

Well, let's just say that I'm extremely grateful that was a figment of my imagination and as soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with smiles and a busy-ish schedule. The lady at the front desk even had my headshot so that she'd recognize me to allow me to enter the building. So I was certainly FAR from my stupid daydream of anxiety. But I have to say that after working in the same place for 8 years, it's hard to imagine yourself starting something new somewhere else. I was in disbelief for the entire first week. I'm still easing into how everything is run here too. Everything's written in French because it's the legal language here. The schedule is written on a twenty-four hour clock. So that means it's not 2pm, but 14:00. Again, I'm still paranoid that I'm going to miss a rehearsal because of this:) But overall, I feel welcomed by very warm people and I'm just thrilled to be learning completely new....well EVERYTHING.

They say it's dangerous to get too comfortable somewhere. You almost start going through motions meaninglessly. I don't think that being comfortable is necessarily a bad thing. But I certainly feel that lifeless, meaningless work is. And I don't think I was necessarily working without a purpose in Miami, but I do think that I was loosing a little steam. Something felt off. It's hard to jump into a new situation and I'm especially not good at change, so for me to make the decision to move on, it took a lot of ruminating and praying. But when things seemed to fall into place, it just made sense for me to do this.

I keep trying to remind myself this. Don't get me wrong now. I'm extremely happy with the decision I made to move here. As much as I miss the beach life in Miami (most of you know how much I love that city), I am excited to make my niche here in Montreal. It is an absolutely gorgeous city bursting with life, with family, with art, and for the time being...with green! I'm slowly finding my favorite farmers' market stand, my new cafe to chill out at, my favorite parc to read at. I'm still looking for a good sushi place or late night delivery...anyone? :) That was something very easy to find in Miami!

When I'm at work, I'm consistently reminded of why I chose to come here. (besides the fact that there was a job offer!) It's refreshing to be learning something I never dreamed I would be doing! As grateful as I am to have experienced what I did in Miami, and to have been given the opportunity to expand my resume, I have to say that I am loving the uncomfortableness of new movement. I feel almost completely out of my own element. By that, I mean (and I say this with complete humbleness because a dancer's job is to constantly find something to grow from) I felt that I had gotten almost comfortable doing a Balanchine rep. I don't mean that it was easy....BY GOD, NO! But I felt that it was familiar for my body. I say this with assurance now especially because nothing feels familiar anymore! ha! It would be slightly comforting to have someone say, "Can you please whip out Choleric right now?" Where as before, I probably would have crapped myself if someone turned on that music and said, "Do it." :) (for those of you who are unfamiliar with this part, it is a movement in Balanchine's The Four Temperaments that consists of a tall female basically being shot out of a canon from the wings, without hardly any warning. The music is fast, and the dancing is difficult especially for one with long legs and a lot to deal with!)

Anyways, everyday I walk in the studio with zero expectations because I really have no idea what to expect. Well, that's not true. I expect to learn. It's extremely humbling and I a needed a good dose of that I think. I do consider myself a humble person, but after dancing a similar rep for about 6 years or so, I think a dancer does naturally start to feel like she's "got it down." Figured it out. Been there, done that. That's when you stop growing as an artist and a person. You should always be finding more ways to grow, but sometimes a good change is really all that can do the trick. Someone once told me that when you feel like you've done everything that can satisfy your heart as a dancer, THAT's when it's time to retire. I certainly have not felt that way. I considered retiring because of my frustration with the perfection that I mistakingly expect from myself, but quickly realized that if I actually did move on to a different profession, I would constantly feel this emptiness. Like I'd missed something. No, I'm not done yet. And right now, I feel like I've just begun. As frustrating (and slightly humiliating) as it can be falling all over the place when you're trying to learn something new, I am very grateful to just be learning right now. That was the purpose of this year for me, and I feel like I've actually taken a step in the right direction.

That being said, the week is much easier for me than the weekends. Working takes my mind off of what I miss about my old life. I don't mean "old life" as in "Peace out people. I'm onto other things!" I mean, rather a previous situation. I miss the comfort of being around those that I know so well. Those friends that I know exactly how they'll react to me....and my sarcasm. I know just how far to go with them before it's too much. Those who know my habits and my quirks and love me just the same. Being an introvert and a people pleaser, it's hard for me not to judge myself in new situations. "Why did you say that? You sound like an idiot! Don't ask too many questions. Be nice, but be true to yourself. Put yourself out there....people are going to think you're bitchy and uninterested if you keep to yourself all the time!" Oh my god, the voices in my head....it's ridiculous! How is it possible for someone to be so paranoid! It's almost embarrassing for me to write these things down. But I made a promise that I would be honest in my writing, whether it be good OR bad. Easy to read, or not. After all, we're just human right? I'm sure I'm not the only person who has these feelings.

In any event, my point is that I'm missing my friends, my family. I'm missing my lovey. In that, I find myself retreat into my discomfort and desire to be with those that I love. It almost freezes me. I know this will thaw out in time. But right now, in this moment (because it's Sunday) I long to be in the presence of unconditional love. I miss those amazing people. You know who you are.

Tomorrow's a new day though! And I shall continue to trudge forward with every ounce of heart that I have. Part of life to experience every emotion and that could be extreme joy as well as extreme...for lack of a better word...ache. Heartache in this case? Well, muscle ache too! That's what epsom salt is for though:) And God never gives us more than we can handle, right? So bring it on then!....yikes! I shall attempt the challenge with courageous vulnerability.

How's that for a Sunday sermon? :) jk

Little Miracles

There have been quite a few events the past few months that have lead me to believe that there most certainly is a God or force of good that looks after us all the time, whether we realize it or not. I mean the course my life has taken this year has without a doubt been directed entirely by the man upstairs. I am simply baffled (for lack of a better word) by the events that have occurred, particularly this one....

So at the moment, I am sort of in between destinations waiting for I'm not sure what to happen to initiate my final move up to Montreal. Yesterday, Pete and I finally decided that we absolutely HAD to figure out our reservations considering the original plan was to fly up there a week from today. So we arrive at the Starbucks with internet :) and begin our search. Of course, the flights have raised in price compared to what they were a few days ago. I expected this, but what's a girl to do? I almost feel like I've been waiting for some "miracle" to happen and I'll have the money in my account to move forward. I'm not joking when I say that I feel like my entire summer has consisted of months of these moments. So by this point, I've actually figured out that somehow things work out when I let it go and let God.

So I suppose in some weird way, that's what this "waiting" period was. I've had a few freak out moments (Pete will second that!) but for the most part, I've been trying to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. As soon as it seems like there's no answer in sight, SOMETHING happens. EVERYtime!! One of those small miracles.

Ok, finally I reach my point. Kim, a hero of mine who also happens to be my mom, suggested looking at train tickets. Pete seems to be a veteran at taking the train nowadays, but I certainly am not. I still love the convenience of arriving somewhere the same day that I leave. However, if it means saving a hundred dollars or so, then I'm all in! So we look at train tickets, and they are significantly cheaper. The catch was that we'd have to stop in New York City and in order to transfer to the correct train up to Montreal, we'd have to stay overnight. Problem. Although we know quite a few people in New York, numerous of them have traveled up to Saratoga and others have tiny little places that I would feel terrible crashing in with enough luggage to equate two more people. Just as I was about to post a Facebook status update asking if anyone would mind if we stayed with them for one night, I remembered that my amazing friend Stephen would be traveling home through Montreal from his trip to Europe. By the way, congratulations to Callie and Didier who are having an amazing little Swiss wedding which is the reason Stephen was over there to begin with!!! ANYways, so Stephen's parents are driving up from Glens Falls, NY to Montreal to pick him up at the airport. What date? That's right...THEEE day Pete and I were talking about going to Montreal. And YES, there is a train that we can take straight up to Glens Falls to stay with them for a night and then travel to Canada with them!! I called Mary, Stephen's amazing mother, and ran this plan by her. Her response was, "I can't wait to see you!" What an angel. And what a miracle this was. Pete and I are saving hundreds of dollars by choosing this option. I don't need to explain the poverty of a person in our profession during the summer months. It's literally a God-sent blessing that we are able to take advantage of this wonderfully presented plan. I think we both jumped up and down for a good minute when we realized what a miracle we had just witnessed.

Now I officially have five more days in the states before I begin my new adventures in Canada. I'm extremely nervous, but enjoying every minute of these last few days here in the summertime. And also enjoying watching each miracle play itself out.

Thank you, God!

Peace Of Mind In Pennsylvania

Right now, I think I may be in the most peaceful place I could possibly be at the moment. I just took an amazing bath in a fantastically large jacuzzi bathtub. And yes, I definitely started singing “Kiss” by Prince just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Never mind, I totally lied about that. But the idea crossed my mind! Needless to say, it was absolutely gorgeous.

Let me explain. So like I said before, I'm currently in Pennsylvania at Pete's mom's. She has this rather large older house that has an enormous amount of history tagged onto it. She just informed me the other night that during the Civil War, the Confederates came through and burned down the town just blocks from her house. Somehow, her block and East (I think) were saved. So people that had lost their homes all piled into this home. Like I said, it's rather large and she said supposedly every square foot was covered with sleeping people who had lost their homes. Normally, this would have creeped me out, but for some reason it has given me a true sense of appreciation AND inspiration actually. The house itself is gorgeous and the history behind it is even more fascinating. The floor is the original wood flooring....the house was built in 1857 I think she said. There's an incredible marble fireplace that is in the dining room that is also original. I'm just completely in love with this.

Lavinia also has quite the green thumb and has built an insanely beautiful garden in her backyard. The peace and serenity that exists in this setting is unreal. It has been such a relief to sip my coffee in leisure on her back porch while NOT having to pack boxes!

…......long pause, because I went to bed, woke up the next day, went to bed, woke up again the next day...........................................and then finally drove over to Starbucks to finish this entry!......

She lives right next to a railroad track, so occasionally the powerful rumble of a train screams by and invigorates my spirit. It's actually quite incredible because right to that gorgeous garden in her backyard is the industrial backdrop of the train tracks. Talk about a scene for a photograph. I've gone camera crazy since I've been here. The sunsets are spectacular and when the sun's rays seep through the leaves of the trees, it almost brings me to tears.

Yesterday, Pete and I woke up early and walked downtown to the farmer's market. I felt like I was at home! I would LOVE to buy all of my groceries from local farmers. I bought a loaf of homemade fresh wheat bread with absolutely no preservatives, two tall bunches of beautiful mint, and two thick pieces of squash. I would have purchased all of my groceries for the week, but we'd already gone to the grocery store. I'm really hoping the Montreal will be graced with the presence of these wonderful farmer's markets so I can support locally grown produce. That would just make my move that much more exciting to me! (it's the little things, right?)

Really though, right now I feel a little lost in time. This place makes me focus on the moment only. Lavinia does have cable, but I rarely want to watch television when it's as gorgeous as it is outside. We must go to the local Starbucks to retrieve any internet access. (yes, I'm sitting at one and drinking my Americano as I write this) But most of the time, I'm “unplugged” and I'm loving it! It's giving me the chance to enjoy every moment placed before me and I'm so grateful for that.

Although, I am still trying to remember NOT to procrastinate on my responsibilities. This seems almost too easy for me to do right now. But there are so many things to still prepare for...changing banks, figuring out phone, cable, internet access for my apartment, and I'm sure I'll find another hurdle to jump over in the next day or so. But as I'm quickly figuring out, that's how life is. Just gotta roll with the punches!