Ever dream that you're naked in public?

I knew that moving to Montreal would bring about equal shares of inspiration and challenge. Being in a new environment can be COMPLETELY disarming. Strange though, because at the same time it can also be comforting. Let me explain. While everything around me is for the most part new, I almost feel naked in a sense. Nothin feels comfortable...that's funny, because in reality actually, being naked is physically more comfortable than wearing clothes. However, mentally we've (at least I've) been conditioned to think that wearing something is more comfortable in a social setting I suppose. Society has taught me that wearing clothes...and makeup, and hairstyles, (and even nail polish!) is the perfect way to cover up your flaws. Ever had one of those dreams where you are walking around naked in a public place...but oddly, no one seems to really care? Then all of a sudden, you realize that your naked and you're completely humiliated...even if no one is even looking at you?! At some point, you wake up and realize it's all a dream. What a relief! haha!! Anyways, my point is that when you are taken out of your comfort zone, it's a LITTLE bit like being naked. Everything feels slightly awkward and it takes some time to adjust and feel "normal" again.

At the same time, being in a new place gives one a chance to completely reinvent oneself. It's like you take off your old clothes, feel naked for awhile, and then put something new on! Fundamentally, you're still the same person, but meanwhile some things have changed a bit. Funny though, because I find that recently I'm really trying to hold on to what I know of myself.
This process turns into some crazy philosophy lesson somewhere in the back of my mind though. I mean, who are we really? Are we what our friends tell us we are? Are we what we do? Are you "what you eat"? Does what you identify with make you who you are? It's so easy for me to tell someone, "Yeah, well I'm a dancer, but when I stop dancing, I really want to do something with alternative medicine." I like yoga, but I don't necessarily consider myself a yogi, even though my ego would just LOVE that. I love to cook, but I'm no Julia Child. I love music, but I don't play an instrument and I don't think I could really write for Rolling Stone.

Since I've been here, I've started to connect with new people which can be quite an interesting adventure. After a little time, people naturally start making judgements about you. I don't mean this in a negative way....it's part of human nature whether we like it or not. I know it's going to happen, just like I know I may or may not like what people think of me. I've heard some things that I (well, my ego really) like...

"You kind of remind me of an Avatar." :D
"I figured you would want to go to yoga instead."
"But you seem so much more relaxed than most ballet dancers!"
"She's really funny!"
"You always seem happy."

I've also heard some things I don't like....

"You're like a BALLET ballet dancer."
"You know this...Balanchine."
"You and your YouTube videos. You're like the queen of funny videos."
"You're really into magazines aren't you?"

But the only reason I'd really be happy or unhappy with these comments is if I feel that I identify with them. Well, of course I do! But the other part of me is telling that I'm not just that. I'm not just my ego. Meditation teaches us how to learn to understand ourselves...but NOT ourselves as the day to day person that goes to work, eats, meets with friends on the weekends. It teaches us to learn how to connect our higher selves...that part of us that isn't related to the ego. It's crazy how much we feed our ego without even knowing it. I feel myself doing it just in writing this blog. I LOVE to sound eloquent and philosophical so that someone will stroke my ego and say, "You write so well!" or "That sounds very profound." Oh God, it's nauseating just thinking that I'm doing that! But seriously, we ALL do things like that on a daily basis! I admire those that are able to just put everything out there on the line and not fear being judged by others...or by themselves. Being honest and saying exactly how they feel in that moment. Like a child..."That's my crayon! You can't have it.... because..... I want it now!" Yeah, that's not very polite, but you've got to appreciate the honesty there:)

I find that as I get to know a new group of people here in my life, I'm almost finding freedom in trying to just be myself as who I am on that day. Yeah, maybe I'll get some judgement here and there. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is that I'm true to who I am fundamentally, not what others perceive me as. And let me be clear...trying does not at all imply success! Of course, this is easier said than done, and I fail on a daily basis! But that's ok, because I know I'll never actually conquer this struggle. I believe one would be considered "enlightened" if they had.

In this freedom and meeting new people, I feel myself moving forward from my previous life. I know some will always stick with me, and memories will always stick with me. But of course, things change, people change. I've realized that things are different where I came from. As much as change is SOO tough for me, I'm learning that I need to let it go and move forward. Life is different back in Miami and while I think it will always be home for me, it won't be the home I knew when I lived and worked there. Circumstances change people, including myself, and I cannot expect otherwise. Needless to say, I think I've reached a turning point here within the past few weeks. As I make new friends.....

Wait, I'm remembering a silly song I learned in school when I was a little tot, but it's SOOO appropriate.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold."

:D I will always have those close friends that will never be forgotten. But I'll also have those friends "of the season". I'm realizing those as I move on to a new life here in Montreal. It's not a bad thing...a little nostlagic, but in a very good way. I will always have GREAT memories in Miami, and for some friends those might have to suffice. For others, I know I'll keep making new memories with them!

Although this is a little bittersweet for me, I also am beginning this new life here and finally starting to appreciate where I am NOW instead of longing for a past that will not return.
One more thing I'd like touch on before I call it a night. Since making this decision to move forward to really sink my teeth into new frienships and my life here, I have also reached a new level of difficulty with my relationship. (I know there will be multiple levels in this situation!) Pete and I have obviously decided to continue our relationship over long-distance. I knew this would be challenging, but I believed (and still believe) in us. At this moment, I find it very hard to move forward while Pete is still part of my previous life in Miami. He's still there, working for my previous employer, and friends with most (if not all) of my friends there. This doesn't sound like a big deal, and at first glance actually sounds very comforting because I still have my connection to those I love there, through him. But no. While I'm moving on here and meeting new people (who, let's face it, still somewhat shape who we are- we are influenced by those around us whether we like it or not)....while I'm here, he's still there. He's not here moving forward with me (physically here at least). I'm now in the position where I'm trying to find the happy medium of developing a life here, while also continuing to develop my relationship with my lovey. Both take an incredible amount of investment. This is a real challenge, and of course I'm learning everyday.

That's all.

Bjork's got it right.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rlkGaCkFrE


After re-reading this blog, I would like to clarify something. I believe that Pete and I ARE moving forward together in our relationship. What I am trying to say is that, while I'm here developing a new life, I wish he could be here with me to experience that, like we did together in Miami. While we still may be moving forward, we're moving forward in a new and different way than we have previously. In no way did I mean that I've put Pete in a box of my past. Our relationship is not limited to time, in my mind. That being said, I am beside myself this week getting ready for his week-long visit, beginning Saturday night! :D

Robert and Stephen

Loss of inspiration has kept me from writing this blog...well, not really. I suppose it's not loss of inspiration, but loss of self-confidence maybe? The past few weeks, I've had some ups, downs, and complete lulls, for lack of a better word. What does one write about? Many days I've walked down the street on a beautiful afternoon, heard the pitter patter of the rain on my window, seen a laughing child or a couple in love that has touched my heart, felt and heard the wind in the trees on my street, and even seen a gorgeous rainbow (just one, not two...mark). I've also visiting with old friends, visited with new friends, cuddled with old pets, acquired (AND cuddled for that matter!) with a new one, made familiar recipes, tried new ones. And of course I've laughed a lot, cried a lot, strutted down the street and embarrassed myself all in the same day sometimes. There have been a myriad of things to write about really, but what do I say? I need to be eloquent, but there are days where I JUST DON'T feel like being eloquent! I just want to vent damn it! A public blog does not seem the place to do so, however I did make a promise that I would be completely honest in my writing. AHHH!

Yes, this is what happens to me often. As a result of my conflicting thoughts, the time somehow comes and goes, and NOTHING is accomplished. I keep saying, "Oh I'll do that tomorrow." Tomorrow becomes yesterday and I'm still left with no blog.

Today, I cannot ignore what my heart is telling me. A series of events has amounted to this moment and I am amazed at how things really happen in life in their perfect time.

First, I somehow managed to find myself wandering into an mountain/outdoor activities store today. In the search for a good winter coat, I figured it would be a good place to start. However, I ended up in the hiking/climbing section of the store. My best friend Stephen has a new-found passion for rock climbing. He constantly has new stories to tell me of his recent accomplishments. So of course, all I could do was think of him the entire time I was in the store.

Being a typical dancer, I've always been slightly hesitant to go rock climbing because I don't want to be terrible. I want to skip forward to the level of "skilled" rock climber. Whatever the hell that means is of course something I made up in my head and Stephen would probably be the first person to remind me of that. However, while wandering around the store today I found myself conceiving a budding desire to start rock climbing! I don't know...maybe being in the north is starting to have an effect on me! I have admired Stephen's ability to nurture his love for this new passion just as much as he has for dance. Being a dancer, it seems sometimes difficult to develop an non-fleeting interest in something. I'm not really sure why, but I suppose it's because for so many years of our lives we were focused on one thing and that was getting a job in a dance company, where we have the privilege of performing and getting paid to do so. A dancer almost lives and breathes it! I've always been one to have many different interests besides dance, but usually they end up being hobbies or things that I say I'll get to one day. (Although, so far my natural health kick has stuck for quite some time, so I'm keeping the dream alive!) Anyways, I've seen a tremendous growth in Stephen since he's begun rock climbing. He's grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and I really feel like it has helped him develop a true sense of who he is, BESIDES being a dancer...and he is confident in that. I admire his ambitious spirit. Needless to say, just being in that store today reminded me of who he is and a twinge of nostalgia crept up.

Later, I got home and opened up my laptop. My friend, Mark, posted an incredible video on Facebook. It was about not giving up on your dreams. I decided that I wanted to send the video to some family members (Dad!) and in the meantime, found myself reading a blog by a New York-born actor. He had written a blog awhile back about Indigo children and how he believed that his two children were ones themselves. I have read a few things about Indigo children myself and have been fascinated by them. For more information about Indigos, here's the link.

http://www.mailonrivera.net/mailonrivera/blog.html

From this point, I decided to actually read a blog by Mark. He's been updating his blog after quite awhile, and I've neglected to read it for too long. I'm a HUGE fan of his writing and realized that THE TIME IS NOW! So I went to the blog and his most recent post of course caught my attention. Allow me...

http://www.yogiboi.com/2010/09/we-love-you-robert.html

Two years ago from tomorrow Stephen's younger brother took his life and changed his family's lives forever. Mark reminisces about that night and the course of events that took place before and after Stephen got the call. It's truly amazing how one phone call can completely change your life from one moment to the next. They were having a typical night, as was I, and within minutes, we were actually pondering the reality of death, and of course the fact that Robert chose death.

Robert has always fascinated me. I remember Stephen telling me stories about his brother and how artistic he was. He seemed to have a mind of his own and didn't like following rules or being told how to live life. He had little art projects he was constantly working on, maybe to escape reality. He was a passionate person...I could tell even though I didn't know him very well. Stephen's family is extremely warm and loving, and I remember Stephen and his mom telling me that Robert wasn't very....is it compassionate? hmmm...words seem to fail me right now. That seems like the wrong choice, especially because I stated that I felt he was a passionate person. However, passion and compassion are two different words. I feel that he definitely had passion. When he spoke, he spoke with conviction...with assurance...with almost anger that no one understood what he was saying. But that "anger" made it appear that he didn't maybe have a lot of compassion for some people. He seemed rather frustrated with the general population, instead. After he passed, Stephen came home with some of his drawings and videos. His work seemed to scream that he was seeing something beyond many people's comprehension.

It was always apparent to me that Robert had a vision and it was without a doubt profound. Call me crazy, but that boy had a gift. I think that Stephen (and Mark) would probably agree. This brings me to the course of events that happened today. I have believed for awhile that Robert was an Indigo child. When you read the characteristics of an Indigo, Robert seems to be all over it. Maybe he realized something that could not be communicated in this life. Maybe he tried to communicate it and no one around could understand. As a teenager....actually, as a human being, that can be a very lonely place. Maybe that's presumptuous for me to say, but there's always been something inside of me telling that Robert had something to teach us. If we haven't learned it yet, I hope we do at some point. Maybe it's the awareness of Indigo children and the misconception society can have about them. Maybe not.

It was no accident that I read that blog today. Well both actually, and one after the other. It was a reminder of the life that Robert had here on Earth. I do believe that he will continue to teach and perhaps try to communicate with some of us through his later artwork, or maybe through something beyond our knowledge and understanding. Either way, the Satterfield family is of course not the same. But through hard times, I have seen how the family has pulled through, with each other and with their individual passions. I cannot even comprehend a loss like that, but I know that even though it probably won't ever get easier to cope with, life still does go on. And I have seen Stephen, in particular, move forward with amazing grace. I am blessed to have had the privilege of witnessing his growth the past few years. He is an amazing human being, just like his brother. Stephen was in my thoughts all day today...again, no accident. Robert, Stephen and the rest of the Satterfield family will be in my thoughts tomorrow as well. We should celebrate the life and spirit that continues TO BE, even without the physical body. Cheers to Robert.