Ever dream that you're naked in public?

I knew that moving to Montreal would bring about equal shares of inspiration and challenge. Being in a new environment can be COMPLETELY disarming. Strange though, because at the same time it can also be comforting. Let me explain. While everything around me is for the most part new, I almost feel naked in a sense. Nothin feels comfortable...that's funny, because in reality actually, being naked is physically more comfortable than wearing clothes. However, mentally we've (at least I've) been conditioned to think that wearing something is more comfortable in a social setting I suppose. Society has taught me that wearing clothes...and makeup, and hairstyles, (and even nail polish!) is the perfect way to cover up your flaws. Ever had one of those dreams where you are walking around naked in a public place...but oddly, no one seems to really care? Then all of a sudden, you realize that your naked and you're completely humiliated...even if no one is even looking at you?! At some point, you wake up and realize it's all a dream. What a relief! haha!! Anyways, my point is that when you are taken out of your comfort zone, it's a LITTLE bit like being naked. Everything feels slightly awkward and it takes some time to adjust and feel "normal" again.

At the same time, being in a new place gives one a chance to completely reinvent oneself. It's like you take off your old clothes, feel naked for awhile, and then put something new on! Fundamentally, you're still the same person, but meanwhile some things have changed a bit. Funny though, because I find that recently I'm really trying to hold on to what I know of myself.
This process turns into some crazy philosophy lesson somewhere in the back of my mind though. I mean, who are we really? Are we what our friends tell us we are? Are we what we do? Are you "what you eat"? Does what you identify with make you who you are? It's so easy for me to tell someone, "Yeah, well I'm a dancer, but when I stop dancing, I really want to do something with alternative medicine." I like yoga, but I don't necessarily consider myself a yogi, even though my ego would just LOVE that. I love to cook, but I'm no Julia Child. I love music, but I don't play an instrument and I don't think I could really write for Rolling Stone.

Since I've been here, I've started to connect with new people which can be quite an interesting adventure. After a little time, people naturally start making judgements about you. I don't mean this in a negative way....it's part of human nature whether we like it or not. I know it's going to happen, just like I know I may or may not like what people think of me. I've heard some things that I (well, my ego really) like...

"You kind of remind me of an Avatar." :D
"I figured you would want to go to yoga instead."
"But you seem so much more relaxed than most ballet dancers!"
"She's really funny!"
"You always seem happy."

I've also heard some things I don't like....

"You're like a BALLET ballet dancer."
"You know this...Balanchine."
"You and your YouTube videos. You're like the queen of funny videos."
"You're really into magazines aren't you?"

But the only reason I'd really be happy or unhappy with these comments is if I feel that I identify with them. Well, of course I do! But the other part of me is telling that I'm not just that. I'm not just my ego. Meditation teaches us how to learn to understand ourselves...but NOT ourselves as the day to day person that goes to work, eats, meets with friends on the weekends. It teaches us to learn how to connect our higher selves...that part of us that isn't related to the ego. It's crazy how much we feed our ego without even knowing it. I feel myself doing it just in writing this blog. I LOVE to sound eloquent and philosophical so that someone will stroke my ego and say, "You write so well!" or "That sounds very profound." Oh God, it's nauseating just thinking that I'm doing that! But seriously, we ALL do things like that on a daily basis! I admire those that are able to just put everything out there on the line and not fear being judged by others...or by themselves. Being honest and saying exactly how they feel in that moment. Like a child..."That's my crayon! You can't have it.... because..... I want it now!" Yeah, that's not very polite, but you've got to appreciate the honesty there:)

I find that as I get to know a new group of people here in my life, I'm almost finding freedom in trying to just be myself as who I am on that day. Yeah, maybe I'll get some judgement here and there. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. All that matters to me is that I'm true to who I am fundamentally, not what others perceive me as. And let me be clear...trying does not at all imply success! Of course, this is easier said than done, and I fail on a daily basis! But that's ok, because I know I'll never actually conquer this struggle. I believe one would be considered "enlightened" if they had.

In this freedom and meeting new people, I feel myself moving forward from my previous life. I know some will always stick with me, and memories will always stick with me. But of course, things change, people change. I've realized that things are different where I came from. As much as change is SOO tough for me, I'm learning that I need to let it go and move forward. Life is different back in Miami and while I think it will always be home for me, it won't be the home I knew when I lived and worked there. Circumstances change people, including myself, and I cannot expect otherwise. Needless to say, I think I've reached a turning point here within the past few weeks. As I make new friends.....

Wait, I'm remembering a silly song I learned in school when I was a little tot, but it's SOOO appropriate.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold."

:D I will always have those close friends that will never be forgotten. But I'll also have those friends "of the season". I'm realizing those as I move on to a new life here in Montreal. It's not a bad thing...a little nostlagic, but in a very good way. I will always have GREAT memories in Miami, and for some friends those might have to suffice. For others, I know I'll keep making new memories with them!

Although this is a little bittersweet for me, I also am beginning this new life here and finally starting to appreciate where I am NOW instead of longing for a past that will not return.
One more thing I'd like touch on before I call it a night. Since making this decision to move forward to really sink my teeth into new frienships and my life here, I have also reached a new level of difficulty with my relationship. (I know there will be multiple levels in this situation!) Pete and I have obviously decided to continue our relationship over long-distance. I knew this would be challenging, but I believed (and still believe) in us. At this moment, I find it very hard to move forward while Pete is still part of my previous life in Miami. He's still there, working for my previous employer, and friends with most (if not all) of my friends there. This doesn't sound like a big deal, and at first glance actually sounds very comforting because I still have my connection to those I love there, through him. But no. While I'm moving on here and meeting new people (who, let's face it, still somewhat shape who we are- we are influenced by those around us whether we like it or not)....while I'm here, he's still there. He's not here moving forward with me (physically here at least). I'm now in the position where I'm trying to find the happy medium of developing a life here, while also continuing to develop my relationship with my lovey. Both take an incredible amount of investment. This is a real challenge, and of course I'm learning everyday.

That's all.

Bjork's got it right.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rlkGaCkFrE


After re-reading this blog, I would like to clarify something. I believe that Pete and I ARE moving forward together in our relationship. What I am trying to say is that, while I'm here developing a new life, I wish he could be here with me to experience that, like we did together in Miami. While we still may be moving forward, we're moving forward in a new and different way than we have previously. In no way did I mean that I've put Pete in a box of my past. Our relationship is not limited to time, in my mind. That being said, I am beside myself this week getting ready for his week-long visit, beginning Saturday night! :D