Robert and Stephen

Loss of inspiration has kept me from writing this blog...well, not really. I suppose it's not loss of inspiration, but loss of self-confidence maybe? The past few weeks, I've had some ups, downs, and complete lulls, for lack of a better word. What does one write about? Many days I've walked down the street on a beautiful afternoon, heard the pitter patter of the rain on my window, seen a laughing child or a couple in love that has touched my heart, felt and heard the wind in the trees on my street, and even seen a gorgeous rainbow (just one, not two...mark). I've also visiting with old friends, visited with new friends, cuddled with old pets, acquired (AND cuddled for that matter!) with a new one, made familiar recipes, tried new ones. And of course I've laughed a lot, cried a lot, strutted down the street and embarrassed myself all in the same day sometimes. There have been a myriad of things to write about really, but what do I say? I need to be eloquent, but there are days where I JUST DON'T feel like being eloquent! I just want to vent damn it! A public blog does not seem the place to do so, however I did make a promise that I would be completely honest in my writing. AHHH!

Yes, this is what happens to me often. As a result of my conflicting thoughts, the time somehow comes and goes, and NOTHING is accomplished. I keep saying, "Oh I'll do that tomorrow." Tomorrow becomes yesterday and I'm still left with no blog.

Today, I cannot ignore what my heart is telling me. A series of events has amounted to this moment and I am amazed at how things really happen in life in their perfect time.

First, I somehow managed to find myself wandering into an mountain/outdoor activities store today. In the search for a good winter coat, I figured it would be a good place to start. However, I ended up in the hiking/climbing section of the store. My best friend Stephen has a new-found passion for rock climbing. He constantly has new stories to tell me of his recent accomplishments. So of course, all I could do was think of him the entire time I was in the store.

Being a typical dancer, I've always been slightly hesitant to go rock climbing because I don't want to be terrible. I want to skip forward to the level of "skilled" rock climber. Whatever the hell that means is of course something I made up in my head and Stephen would probably be the first person to remind me of that. However, while wandering around the store today I found myself conceiving a budding desire to start rock climbing! I don't know...maybe being in the north is starting to have an effect on me! I have admired Stephen's ability to nurture his love for this new passion just as much as he has for dance. Being a dancer, it seems sometimes difficult to develop an non-fleeting interest in something. I'm not really sure why, but I suppose it's because for so many years of our lives we were focused on one thing and that was getting a job in a dance company, where we have the privilege of performing and getting paid to do so. A dancer almost lives and breathes it! I've always been one to have many different interests besides dance, but usually they end up being hobbies or things that I say I'll get to one day. (Although, so far my natural health kick has stuck for quite some time, so I'm keeping the dream alive!) Anyways, I've seen a tremendous growth in Stephen since he's begun rock climbing. He's grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and I really feel like it has helped him develop a true sense of who he is, BESIDES being a dancer...and he is confident in that. I admire his ambitious spirit. Needless to say, just being in that store today reminded me of who he is and a twinge of nostalgia crept up.

Later, I got home and opened up my laptop. My friend, Mark, posted an incredible video on Facebook. It was about not giving up on your dreams. I decided that I wanted to send the video to some family members (Dad!) and in the meantime, found myself reading a blog by a New York-born actor. He had written a blog awhile back about Indigo children and how he believed that his two children were ones themselves. I have read a few things about Indigo children myself and have been fascinated by them. For more information about Indigos, here's the link.

http://www.mailonrivera.net/mailonrivera/blog.html

From this point, I decided to actually read a blog by Mark. He's been updating his blog after quite awhile, and I've neglected to read it for too long. I'm a HUGE fan of his writing and realized that THE TIME IS NOW! So I went to the blog and his most recent post of course caught my attention. Allow me...

http://www.yogiboi.com/2010/09/we-love-you-robert.html

Two years ago from tomorrow Stephen's younger brother took his life and changed his family's lives forever. Mark reminisces about that night and the course of events that took place before and after Stephen got the call. It's truly amazing how one phone call can completely change your life from one moment to the next. They were having a typical night, as was I, and within minutes, we were actually pondering the reality of death, and of course the fact that Robert chose death.

Robert has always fascinated me. I remember Stephen telling me stories about his brother and how artistic he was. He seemed to have a mind of his own and didn't like following rules or being told how to live life. He had little art projects he was constantly working on, maybe to escape reality. He was a passionate person...I could tell even though I didn't know him very well. Stephen's family is extremely warm and loving, and I remember Stephen and his mom telling me that Robert wasn't very....is it compassionate? hmmm...words seem to fail me right now. That seems like the wrong choice, especially because I stated that I felt he was a passionate person. However, passion and compassion are two different words. I feel that he definitely had passion. When he spoke, he spoke with conviction...with assurance...with almost anger that no one understood what he was saying. But that "anger" made it appear that he didn't maybe have a lot of compassion for some people. He seemed rather frustrated with the general population, instead. After he passed, Stephen came home with some of his drawings and videos. His work seemed to scream that he was seeing something beyond many people's comprehension.

It was always apparent to me that Robert had a vision and it was without a doubt profound. Call me crazy, but that boy had a gift. I think that Stephen (and Mark) would probably agree. This brings me to the course of events that happened today. I have believed for awhile that Robert was an Indigo child. When you read the characteristics of an Indigo, Robert seems to be all over it. Maybe he realized something that could not be communicated in this life. Maybe he tried to communicate it and no one around could understand. As a teenager....actually, as a human being, that can be a very lonely place. Maybe that's presumptuous for me to say, but there's always been something inside of me telling that Robert had something to teach us. If we haven't learned it yet, I hope we do at some point. Maybe it's the awareness of Indigo children and the misconception society can have about them. Maybe not.

It was no accident that I read that blog today. Well both actually, and one after the other. It was a reminder of the life that Robert had here on Earth. I do believe that he will continue to teach and perhaps try to communicate with some of us through his later artwork, or maybe through something beyond our knowledge and understanding. Either way, the Satterfield family is of course not the same. But through hard times, I have seen how the family has pulled through, with each other and with their individual passions. I cannot even comprehend a loss like that, but I know that even though it probably won't ever get easier to cope with, life still does go on. And I have seen Stephen, in particular, move forward with amazing grace. I am blessed to have had the privilege of witnessing his growth the past few years. He is an amazing human being, just like his brother. Stephen was in my thoughts all day today...again, no accident. Robert, Stephen and the rest of the Satterfield family will be in my thoughts tomorrow as well. We should celebrate the life and spirit that continues TO BE, even without the physical body. Cheers to Robert.