"Born This Way"

Recently, I've had numerous discussions with people regarding self-doubt and insecurity. Well actually, that's how I'd label them. I suppose I actually projected that title to the conversations. Each person added a different element to the situation I find myself in at the moment.

I guess I should start by saying that I had a birthday a little over a week ago. Around birthday-time, I feel myself start to close off with anxiety every year. It's as if someone pressed the stress button in my mind the morning of February 1st, and it remains pressed until around March 1st. It's like a demon has come over me. Everything seems to be slipping away from me for a month, especially my emotions. It's strange because I've never been one to really care about my age or anything...then again, I don't exactly advertise it. I've always felt that naturally, we seem to judge others by age....put them in a box. So I suppose in order to avoid that, I subconsciously don't disclose my age unless someone deliberately asks me. Well, I guess that takes care of that! But what I do find myself concerned with each birthday, is examining my accomplishments thus far. Am I where I want to be? Does that even matter?!!

I know I put pressure on myself constantly...to dance to my fullest capability each day, to be an honest and genuine person, to eat healthy, to learn as much as I can each day regarding my health, do yoga more often, meditate more often, make my house feel like a home by taking on endless projects. The list can go on and on! Without a doubt, I'm a perfectionist and I don't think I know many people in my field who aren't. It comes with the territory. I recently discussed with someone how the study of dance, especially at a young age, somehow takes the joy out of the artform itself! You lose perspective of what you've accomplished, what you've gained, and why you do what you do! That seed of doubt and self-deprication is deeply planted from early on. We plow forward without taking a second to acknowledge the emotional stress we demand of ourselves on a daily basis. This, in turn, I believe saturates our entire lives before we even recognize it. At least, it has for me.

I've always been driven and I've also always dreamt big! I still do! I feel that there are so many things I'd love to do before I die. And I also have another confession to make. Sometimes, I equate having kids and a family with death. Sounds completely ironic right! Those kids are who carry on your legacy! But my life as I know it would be dead. I wouldn't be able to just pick up and leave my job and move to another country. I would have to consider the consequences for numerous others, not just myself. I know...that sounds so selfish right? But honestly kids, that's where I stand at this moment. I can't apologize for that. I am who I am, and if that's what they call selfish, then so be it. My point is each year I turn a year older, I feel less and less accomplished. I don't feel like the woman I'd hoped to become. Is my dancing REALLY helping others? When I see documentaries about artists using they're work to directly benefit those in need, I feel like I'm wasting my time staring at my imperfections in the mirror everyday! I study my natural health and wonder if I'm ever going to be capable of actually consulting people...directly helping people! I look at friends that travel to Uganda every summer to educate and support the orphans that live there and wonder why I haven't taken the leap to do so myself.

You know, I'd like to propose a sidenote here. Those kids in Uganda take great joy in dancing. That is a way of life for them. Dancing and singing for them is the ultimate expression of happiness, joy, and love. I wonder if they have the same anxieties I do as a human being. I wonder if they ever think about how they are impacting others' lives. I'm sure they do. But it's funny to me, because I think about how much they've impacted MY life and I've never even met any of them in person! Just the thought of them inspires me! The idea that there are children in need in Uganda who take TREMENDOUS joy in dancing and singing as a community, despite their short-comings...THAT is called an example.

My dad recently told me, "...you are making pennies, and still devote your life to your passion as a dancer." I suppose that's a story of commitment, of true love for something. I consider myself extremely fortunate for his constant reminders.

This morning, I read something that deeply inspired me throughout the day.
" 'Mindfulness is awareness, from moment to moment, on purpose, without judgment.' Awareness is another word for the condition of being awake....being awake means being 'Engaged, yet detached. Active, yet calm. Moving, yet still.' Purpose is another word for 'intention,' the quality of choosing and acting consciously, rather than reacting automatically. And being without judgment requires us to expand our capacity for acceptance--both self-acceptance and acceptance of others."
"...mindfulness practice suggests that we give up on self-improvement and instead begin a course of self-acceptance. The way out of our unhappiness is not to fix ourselves. We can't root out our flaws....We might try for years, and (they) would still remain. There is only one thing to do. We must learn to love the (flaws)." - Henry Emmons, M.D. (The Chemistry of Joy)

Today, I was talking to a fellow dancer about how I've struggled recently with letting go onstage. It's like my mind takes over my body, my heart closes up, and I hold myself back from my fullest potential onstage. I see glimpses of release, but ONLY glimpses. I long for the show where I completely lose myself in the movement. I feel that doubt is the deep-rooted culprit of this problem. I realized that we train our bodies everyday to do something aesthetically pleasing, but we don't really train our hearts to deal with the constant negative banter that goes on internally in each and every one of us. We must learn to dance without judgment. Is that possible? I realized that dancing is the perfect small-scale way to manifest what happens on the large-scale of life. By learning to push forward physically each day with each class, rehearsal and performance, WITHOUT judging our flaws, we can learn how to come closer to our full potential as artists. As human beings. (I suppose it's more "accepting our flaws.")

I also find it interesting that my favorite dancers are those that move with purpose. Those are the dancers that ALWAYS catch my eye...and keep my eye for that matter. There is something so incredibly enticing about watching a dancer move with intention. You can see the difference between mindless movement and mindful movement. You can have the most incredible facility in the world, but if you don't use it with intention (or dance with awareness), it's not as exciting. At least, that's my personal opinion. It can be such a subtle thing too. But when you see what I'm talking about, you KNOW. When I see it, I'm reminded of why I do what I do. It doesn't matter whether it's choreography or improv. It's incredible to watch someone explore the realm of possibilities with the gifts that they have been given. Each class, each rehearsal, each performance becomes organic and beautiful in it's own way.

Dwayne Wade says he lets each game come to him. He doesn't project what he's going to do until the game tells him. You can't anticipate what's going to happen in a meditation until you actually sit down and begin your meditation. The greatest chefs don't know what's going to happen in the kitchen until they start cooking and let their hearts lead them. The point is that every step taken is done with purpose. There's no judgment. You just go. That's what is taught in meditation. Let each thought pass. Acknowledge it's presence and then let it go. Those doubtful, negative, self-depricating thoughts must be acknowledged...and then let go. I don't think you can pretend to not think something. That's bullshit. That's called ignorance in my opinion. The bottom line is we ALL have negative thoughts, insecurities, flaws, and mistakes. The key is learning to accept them. Accepting ourselves FULLY. Flaws and all. God I wish I could just press another button and I'd understand this. But then I guess there would be no point in living.

If I could have a soudtrack to this blog post, it would be "Born This Way". I don't think it's a coincidence that I've been listening to the Lady GaGa song consistently the past few days. :)

And I will leave with this quote that never gets old to me:
"Half of any person is wrong and weak and off the beaten path. Half! The other half is dancing and swimming and flying in the invisible joy!" -Rumi